Let's Start With This One...

On the day that I am writing this, I have just had a comment made to me that I can’t stomach. It was regarding my face. The woman in the shop turned to me and said I looked different. That my face had filled out a little bit. Instantly, the anorexic voice kicked in. It was telling me to starve myself. To not eat anymore. To take back the porridge oats I had just brought. To go and find a way I can work out. 

My mum went red and told her it wasn’t the best thing to say. Something I respected. Yet, as I stood in tears in the shop car park. I felt anger. Sadness. Pain. Whilst mum tried to help, it wasn’t enough. The voice had kicked in and it wasn’t going anywhere. As we wandered around for the rest of the day, that was all my head kept repeating. Preparing our dinner together, I kept thinking of ways to cut items out. I even asked my mum if I had got a bigger face. A bigger body. Making her swear on my dad’s grave to tell me the truth. 

Asking these things shouldn’t even be a thing. They never would have been in the past. For me, I don’t often like talking about my condition too much. I would never comment on someone else's weight. I just wouldn’t. I don’t know their story, like they don’t know mine. Yet, this woman did and the anger from it was what hurt the most. 

She even asked me if it was the wrong thing to say. If you knew that it was or could be, why would you still say it? My head has latched onto this for life now. Looking in the mirror that day, we studied every little part of us. We couldn’t believe the denial my mum was saying, even though I trust her with my life. The damage was already done. 

So, I am asking you to think a little bit about what you say and to whom. It isn’t a telling off or anything like that. Just a gentle reminder that life is strange and how our mental health changes due to comments or statements is different in every single person. Don’t comment on weight. Don’t comment on things that make a person stand out, because it isn’t up to others on how they are. Just be kind and loving. Be a friend. 

I love you all, no matter what you look like, your size or even how you style your hair (mine is always in plaits by the way!). Whilst I try to work off the damage, I want you all to just remember that words can mean a lot, so think, think again and then think some more, before you say something that could hurt another. Spread love, not lousy statements. 

Joey X

Flicking through the shelves of The Entertainer recently, I felt a little sad. When did we decide to just put down toys and never play with them again? When did adulthood really settle in? For me, at the age of 27, I still feel like a little kid. Some people would say it is my illness, but others would agree. I can’t help but think about when was the day that I simply put down a Barbie doll and never played make believe again. 

I wish in many ways that that day had never come. After years of therapy, I was told that I gave up my childhood too early. I made myself try to fit in with those around me. By doing so, I left my heart and innocence behind. I told myself I didn’t need the animations, the dolls or the things I used to love anymore. I needed everything the cool kids had. 

Yet, I didn’t really. I just needed me. 

Having spent years trying to find myself again - a journey I am still very much on - I realised that to rebuild myself, I need to go back to my youth. I need to enjoy Barbie. I need to binge watch Bluey. I need to talk about memories of time gone by and love each and every second of it. Because that is me. That is who I am. I am someone who loves being like a little kid. 

If you see me around Disneyland Paris, it is when I am at my happiest. I can embrace my inner peace. Whilst smiling, looking like a looney, at everything around me. Christmas time is the same. I may not be the biggest fan of the day, as I get sad that it is all over, but I love the build up. Seeing a lit up tree in a window whilst walking past makes my heart skip a beat. Something I know will happen again when I see Barbie in cinemas this summer. Not just because of Ryan Gosling!

A lot of people would say that I need to grow up. But like Peter Pan, I am not going to. I am finally starting to live again. I am finally rebuilding me to who I want to be. And I will be damned if anyone tries to stop me. Especially when it comes to hugging a Bluey at a press show. Or a Mickey at a castle. I will be me. 27 in years, 3 in reality. And honestly, I don’t even care. Bring it on! 

Go forth and be you lovelies! Play the Sims on your computer. Get those dolls out and brush their hair. Snuggle up with a cuddly teddy. They were made to be loved by everyone. They were made for you. Enjoy life lovelies, whatever age you may be, because unless they are solid laws, you can do whatever the hell you want!

Joey X