Last week was intense to say the least. Every day I had an appointment with either a therapist, doctor, dietitian or had to head to the hospital for appointments. I didn’t get one moment to feel simply normal. Something I am desperate to experience whenever I can. 

This led to me relapsing and restricting one of my snacks. However, I knew this wasn’t right and reached out to my mum for her help. I’ve now given her control over the item that I was restricting. Believe me when I say that the guilt surrounding everything that happened is and was strong. I don’t think there was a moment on Sunday where I didn’t cry. At 24, I got into bed and hugged my mum hard that night in an attempt to remove some of the doubt I had about myself. 

Recovery is not easy in any way, shape or form. Every day is a struggle. It isn’t all about food and eating. If it was it would be easy to fix. Anorexia is a mental illness and speaking to my therapist today I have come to the realisation that I will never ever be over it. 

Getting people telling me that they will, “fatten me up!” Or that I should, “just eat the food,” isn’t helpful. Not being able to eat what we want is frustrating as it is. Being able to take each day as it is for many of us is a win. The want to fight it is a huge achievement, but it can be hard to keep up the motivation at times. 

I felt like a huge failure restricting the meal I did. I worried that I had let everyone down especially my mum. I was scared that she hated me. I even asked her. Something she told me was absolutely stupid to feel and that of course she loved me in every single way.

 

The reason I am writing this isn’t for sympathy but because when a person is struggling it is never easy. Every mental health issue is a struggle. Having the food prepared by my mum is horrific in my head but also a win, as I told the anorexia where to go. Something my therapist agreed with. 

Although, waking up on Monday, I remembered something my brother said to me. Make a small goal each day. Today, I am going to sing with my mum a song we both love. I am not going to listen to anyone but her and me. I am going to shout it as loud as I can. 

Take each day and one small achievement from it and celebrate yourselves. Oh and always remember that slow and steady wins the race lovelies! If you have to hold your mum’s hand at 24 and ask for cuddles do it! There is nothing wrong with feeling loved!