Living with anorexia is incredibly tough! Every day, I find myself struggling with the illness more. Yet, there are also lots of miscommunications surrounding eating disorders. I wanted to clear up some of them here, with an open and honest post about how I feel when it comes to discussing food with me. I hope that it will help you understand a little more…

Good Morning Lovelies, 

Something I have learnt about people and how they view anorexia is that we hate food. We hate everything about it. The feel, taste, look. It’s all horrible to us. However, that isn’t actually alway the case. Many of us like or love certain foods. Yet, we fear many of them. You can talk to many of us about food. You can make suggestions, however, please don’t pressure us to eat it if we aren’t ready. It can make us feel guilty. Like we aren’t good enough because we don’t eat them or can’t eat them yet.

A real horrifying fear lives inside us about what those foods are going to do to our bodies.Our brains are wired to show us how bad they are. Sometimes, I can rationalise this, yet, it doesn’t mean that I can just go and eat my fear foods. It can take me days, weeks, months and even years to be able to try something that I know I want but can’t stop feeling afraid of. 

However, I find a comfort in listening to people talk about meals. Especially when they connect an emotion to them. During one therapy lesson, I was asked what my favourite foods were. Easily, I said a chunky beef lasagne made at our local pub. Krispy Kreme donuts. My mum’s Christmas dinner. Roasts on a Sunday. Thick spaghetti bolognaise at home or an old school friends. Biscuits in a cup of tea. Warm rice pudding. Sweet flapjack smothered in custard. Old school mash potato from the canteen. My mum’s crispy jackets covered in stringy cheese and beans. Plus, many more. Yet, I haven’t had these in years. 

Why? Well, other than my illness, they are all too emotional for me. Each meal has a memory. Something that reminds me of people or events from a time gone by. The pub lasagne would always be eaten with my grandad at his local. Sunday roasts would be eaten around the family table, as were Christmas dinners, with my dad always at the head of them in a brightly coloured cracker hat. Coming in from school during the cold months to find a cup of tea waiting, sharing the biscuits from the tin between me and my mum.  Eating endless amounts of donuts with my friends atsleepovers and parties. 

These emotions make it harder for us to have these foods again. What if they are not as good as we remember? What if I make new memories with them that remove the old ones? Will the experience be the same without the people around? What will people think now if I start eating these foods again? Will it take me back to the body I had before? It’s so hard to have these thoughts in your mind. It’s a daily battle. But it won’t stop me from speaking about these foods, even if I don’t eat them, because they have great memories attached. 

There so, in the lead up to Easter, I thought I would share a few fun and personal food related pieces that I hope you all enjoy. One day, I may be able to enjoy the foods mentioned above and in the following posts. For now though, I am going to enjoy them through the memories and words I have about them. Tasty thoughts for tasty times! 

Joey X