Good Morning Lovelies,
Today marks the start of Eating Disorders Awareness Week. As many of you know, I suffer from severe anorexia. It started around ten years ago and has ruled my life ever since. However, I continue to try and fight it as much as I can.
With other illnesses on top of it, every single day is hard, however, I want to be here with my family, to enjoy life again, which is why I keep going. Even when I have a Wobbly Wednesday or a Sad Sunday, as we call them, I try to be kind to myself. That dickhead voice in our brains can’t take all of our joy. It can’t win.
Since my diagnosis, I have been very open and honest about the way the illness has impacted my life. Through early discussions about therapy to talking about my time in hospital, I have used my voice to tell you all about it. I do this because I want to help. If one person reads what I ramble on about and gets help then it is worth it.
I also talk about my illness, as I want to help those suffering to know that the little things can make a whole difference to your day. Take just five minutes, breathe and do something you want to do and not the illness. It will make you feel better, even if it is only a tiny amount.
To mark this week, I wanted to share some more of those little moments with you all. The things I do when the voice, panicking and sadness becomes a bit too much. I hope that even just one of the following suggestions can help you lovelies…
Hug Someone: The power of a hug off someone you love is incredible. In our house, I often suffer from Wobbly Wednesdays and Sad Sundays. This is normally due to me having bigger meals on Tuesdays and Saturdays, when I like to try new foods or have a good bowl of something hearty. My head becomes a knob the days after though. Often I find myself unable to even look down at my body on the days mentioned above. This is where my mum steps in. Her hugs could cure all wars. She is the best carer and hug giver ever. As soon as she wraps her arms around me, I feel safe. I’m not a massive fan of being touched, however, I do strongly believe that no matter how you are feeling, a hug is the best form of medicine.
Pamper Yourself: Believe me when I say that I know this can be tough. I am not a fan of a mirror. Place me in front of one and I can find a whole load of faults in very little time. Yet, there is a lot that can be said for having mini pamper sessions. In my house, these include cleaning my teeth properly, washing and looking after my hair, sorting out any pimples, micro-blading my face and eyebrows and exfoliating my body. Little actions that take no time at all but make me feel human. When you don’t have a lot of appreciation for your body it can be hard to care for it, however, these little steps can go a long way in making you love it again.
Do Something Creative: I’ve always loved to be creative. I like to put my hands and head to use and make something. Whether it be a pom pom or a blog post, I try to distract the racing thoughts in my mind by doing something. Currently, I am very into diamond art, as slotting the little gems into place makes me focus all my attention on that and not the voices. Find something you can do that will distract you. Counting coins, painting by numbers, reading a book, the possibilities are endless.
Meal Plan or Prep: Since I came home from hospital, I have used a whiteboard in our kitchen to highlight to myself and my mum what I am going to eat that week. By doing this, I can slowly adapt and get my head around any new foods or meals I wish to try. My mum can also be prepared, knowing what we need to buy and how she is going to make my meals. It’s made my life a whole lot easier and whilst it doesn’t differ in choice a lot of the time, when it does I feel proud.
Rest or Take A Break: Something I have been aiming to do is rest more this year. Before the start of 2024, it wasn’t an odd thing for me to be up way past midnight, allowing myself only a few hours to sleep, before I was back up at 4:45am. Since January, I have now been going to sleep at around 10:30pm every night, giving me more time to rest my body. I didn’t realise how much I needed to do this until I started doing so. I know how had it can be to just rest though, as my brain likes to tell me I am lazy and should be doing stuff all the time, however, by taking those few hours back, my body is very thankful. I am sure yours will be too lovelies.
If you need help with an eating disorder or believe that you may have one, please do speak to someone lovelies! I was told a long time ago that I would never fully heal from my illness, however, by talking to people about it, I feel better, especially on my down days. Today, when I write this, it is a Sad Sunday for me, however, writing this has spurred me to keep going forward.
Please remember this week, and beyond, that you are important and the illness is not you! You are kind. You are smart. You are worth every fragment of this earth. And as I have always said from the start of my journey, “Slow and Steady Wins The Race!”
Joey X
Many of you will have become aware of the fact that I returned to therapy around a month or so ago. It was a tough choice, but it needed to be done. Now, I am so grateful for it.
Unlike my previous therapy sessions, I am working with an online team, who are around 24/7 to help me. From the moment I get up until I rest my head on a pillow at night, I can chat to someone. Something that is so soothing to me.
To start with things changed in certain manners quickly. They have helped me try to tackle a new food each week, including adding more milk to my cereal in the morning. They have given me tools to help me relax. The team have also helped me understand that things take time.
At the moment, I am still struggling with pacing or walking around our home. I had started to get better and not do it so much, but then a big family shuffle happened. Then a big family argument. And a holiday.
Plus, with the team helping to diagnose me with autism, my head was all over the place. I felt like a failure for not stopping it instantly, but the team made me see that I am not a failure. I am someone with an illness that I can’t help, but slowly they will help me get as well as I can. And I believe them completely!
Slow and steady wins the race has always been my motto in life. Right now, it couldn’t be more correct. Each day, I open up a bit more to my mum. I will speak to new people in our groups. I go and have some space if I need to. I enjoyed my birthday.
There are still big elements that I wish we could stop. Yet, it isn’t as simple as that. So, until then, I am going to be selfish and focus on me and my self-care. Because nothing is more important that looking after yourself.
Therefore, therapy is working out well. I still go into some sessions unsure, but when they end I feel lighter. I’ve spoken about family matters, breakfasts and even asked for porridge topping suggestions in the past. Anything goes and I love it.
I’m not sure what the next steps are, but this week, I am going to buy a new yogurt to try and hopefully enjoy the feeling of sun on my face! Let’s do this!
Joey X
Right now, I’m in the early stages of relapsing. There, I said it. Since the death of my dad, I haven’t been able to fully get back the motivation I had before. A part of me felt lost and when questioned I would say I was fine or come up with excuses. All while my ED was killing my mind.
Every thought was telling me not to eat. It was telling me to workout and exercise again. It was stopping me from being happy. Whilst people have said I look better, they haven’t seen the frustrations and things going on behind closed doors.
On Sunday 7th May 2023, I could see my mum wasn’t happy. A factor that adds to my worries and anxiety disorder. She is the rock that holds the family together. Seeing her unhappy affects me in so many ways. She cracked right there on the sofa. She told me how she hates how the house and garden looks. She hates things about her work. She hates my condition and the way it isn’t allowing me to progress forward anymore.
Hearing this, led to our biggest heart to heart ever. Lying together in bed crying it all out. My mum begging me not to die. And me telling her that I get so frustrated but don’t know what to do. I’m still trying so hard. But it is so hard.
After major life changes last June, I couldn’t handle what had happened. So, I let ED the dickhead allow me to start pacing around the house. And now I am finding it really hard to stop. But I will do! With the help of my mum and the changes I made instantly after our chat.
Right away, I reached out to the charity BEAT, the eating disorder charity who spoke to me at 11pm at night and automatically placed me with a support group and therapist at Mind in Hertford to talk to about it all.
Speaking to them I told them what was happening. My fears of doctors and hospitals. My worries that I couldn’t do what I needed to but didn’t want to go back. My worries and woes for my family. That there are days where I feel so unloved and like I have to keep up appearances though. They listened and answered with no judgements. They told me I should be proud that I spoke out.
When I stated I felt ashamed, they told me I shouldn’t. Stating I was in the early stages of a relapse into exercise addiction, which was where this all started, they asked me what had I been through recently. I told them it all. A pandemic. My dad’s death. Facing life without him. Money worries. Worries for my mum. Our house changing. Breaking my jaw and being unable to eat proper foods, which made me scared of them again. Hospitals and doctors. Being separated from my family. Body changes. Food. Life. I worry about it all.
The therapist stated that by being open and honest I had been brave. I asked them if they thought I needed to go back to an inpatient ward and they stated no. They told me that whilst the relapse was occurring, it wasn’t as strong as before. They stated that by seeing what I was doing was a huge step and proved that I’m not as gripped as I was the first time. This fact allow was a huge thing to be proud of they told me.
Now, with the help of a group, they have stated that slowly, each week, we will work on a new goal. It will be a slow process. One that could take years to achieve. But will get me to where I want to be. They told me to be kind to myself. To allow a slower process. To not think I am failing because I haven’t stopped doing something yet. By taking more time, it will happen.
The team told me that I had been told so many times that I should already be somewhere or at some point. By other therapists and doctors. Something I actually can recall a lot. This has left to PTSD in many strong forms. An element that makes recovery harder, yet still achievable.
Did I ever think I would be back this way? No! But do I feel lighter, happier and refreshed in some ways, by letting my true emotions out? Yes! Yes I do!
I know that it is no quick fix and I am not going to be rushing for it now. I am going to take the time. I am going to grow like a tree instead of a flower. I’m going to make my mum proud and make her happy again!
The morning after our chat I did something I haven’t done in years after speaking to her. I poured milk from the bottle on to my cereal. Did I cry and worry about it afterwards? Yes! But it was me listening to her. It is the goal I have decided to work on this week with the team. Each goal leading to more self-love and care. We also spoke to others about what was happening and even had a family hug with my brother Bob. Little bits of every day life that will help me rebuild. Regrow. Return.
It’s not going to be easy, but I’ve always been honest regarding my recovery, because I don’t think it should be hidden. In fact, it could be a help to others. That’s why I talk about it all. I’m sorry if it is affecting to you or boring to hear, but if someone could get help from it all then I will always raise my voice. Because no matter how long the process is, we all deserve to be happy.
Joey X