There is a weird sense in the air as we go into the month of June. Since we came home from our holiday, I have been feeling anxious and not in love with my body. And that is okay. A lot of the time, I feel this, due to my anorexia. Yet, I am trying to appreciate it for other things. For keeping me going, for staying strong during my illness. For being able to give hugs to people. For being able to take me places to enjoy them. These are the reasons I love it. 

Compared to a few years ago, I am a lot better. Mentally stronger in so many ways. I have completed four ventures that I never would have. I reach out to people and speak to them. I volunteer. I help others if I am strong enough to. I go out and enjoy things again. I head out on holidays instead of staying at home. I try to be brave in situations that are stressful to me. 

A lot of people see anorexia as being something that you can just eat away. However, it isn’t. Anorexia is a mental illness. Each day, from the moment I get up, I am faced with a fear of many foods. For me, the easiest meal of the day is my breakfast. I love my cereal and honey. Yet, as the day goes on, my head tries to tell me that I have had enough. Even if it is a drink. This is something that I keep fighting and am proud of. I just wish people wouldn’t tell me to just eat. It doesn’t work that way. 

Recently, a family member saw a picture of me from over nine years ago and told me to make it a goal. It actually hurt. It felt like they were saying I don’t try. Yet, I do. Every bloody damn day. I try from the moment my eyes open to the moment they close. So, please don’t tell me to make it a goal. Don’t tell me how to fight my illness. I am doing so. I am doing so, so bloody hard that it hurts at times. I go to bed and have panic attacks at night due to the things I do to beat it. Just be appreciative that I am fighting it. Even on my hardest days (normally Wednesday’s by the way!). 

It hurts to say these things to me. I wish that people would just speak to me about random things instead. I am not my illness, it is just a part of me. Speak to me about the weather. What you have been doing. A TV show that you have fallen for. A book you have read. What have I been reading? What have I been doing? Conversations that don’t make food, my anorexia or anxieties stand out. 

Treat me like a human. I am not a child, I am 27 and whilst this illness is horrific and I am battling it, I am still me. More so than I have been in years. I don’t want to focus on what is wrong with me. I want to focus on life. By people asking me too much about it or making such a fuss, it actually makes me struggle more at times. Oh, another thing, don’t talk about me behind my back either. I know people that have and it hurts just as much. 

So, no I am not going to make that picture a goal, because as I fight this and celebrate the little daily wins, I don’t know what my body is going to become. I am going to look after my mental health and do things I enjoy. That is my goal. Each one a win. Sorry if this seems like I am having a moan and a groan, but I just want to be human. Please just treat me like one. Okay? Great, so tell me, what have you been watching this week? 

Joey X