Hey Lovelies,

One month on from the day in which my future changed completely unexpectedly I thought I would come on here and share with you all an update. On the 16^th March, I was told that I would be discharged from the inpatient ward I was being treated for anorexia on. To say it was a shock would be an understatement.

The past few weeks have been one hell of a journey since. I’ve had highs and lows. Tears and laughter. Increases and decreases. Good days and bad ones. Challenges to no end and comforts in others. However, if anything the lockdown has given me a little bit more freedom than others.

No longer waiting at the door of the ward waiting to be let out, I have had to adapt to being able to leave my house for my daily walk. Yet, these walks, of course, have a sense of control other them. I find going food shopping overwhelming at times, with more options available than those in the hospital.

I end up picking up and putting down so much. I know we shouldn’t but when your head is telling you not to eat something, it becomes a challenge trying to find something it doesn’t find too difficult to manage. Including foods that once were safe before I went into the hospital.

Little wins have been achieved since being at home. After wanting to enjoy a hot cross bun for around the last eight years, I have had two in the past few weeks. Something that may seem small, but to me was a big step. I have introduced fruits I used to love into my diet. Added an increase of biscuits and a cereal bar, enjoying classic childhood favourites at long last.

It hasn’t all been plain sailing though. I have cried over these biscuits. I didn’t want to eat them but knew I had to. I had a meltdown that my mum cooked bread next to my jacket potato in the oven. I’ve shed tears over a sandwich I was trying to challenge myself going wrong and feeling like I had eaten too much.

I knew I wasn’t going to be coming out of the ward well. My doctor even told me we had three or four months left to go before discharge would have been discussed. Yet, I am trying. That is all I can do. I am adding in the increases. I am working on listening to my body. I am trying to experiment with foods and not worry too much about the scales.

As the weeks have gone on, I have found it a lot harder to deal with. But I have found little comforts in being at home too. Getting the opportunity to hug my mum whenever I need to. Finding new places near to my home I never would have seen before. Looking and listening to my body. Putting the radio on what I want to listen to (BBC Three Counties massive shout out to you!). Just these tiny things have been making a huge difference and I am so grateful for them. Even if I am also cleaning our cupboards to much at the same time.

The journey was never going to be easy and I know it. I just need to not worry too much. Although there is nothing wrong with letting your emotions out. I want to get better and I will. It is just slow and steady steps right now. The tortoise didn’t win the race being fast after all. Struggles happen but we will conquer them lovelies.

If you are struggling, please do know that you can always reach out to me too. I want people to continue to help and speak to each other so much after this is over. I have seen my community come together in lots of ways and I love it. I am on here, social media and via email if you ever need to reach out to someone. I promise I will always reply lovelies.

Let’s keep the fight going and let’s stay safe together!

Love,

Joey X