Today Was The Day I Finally Had Enough!


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Good Afternoon Lovelies,

I wanted to tell my whole family before I came on here and told people. In fact, I am only saying anything on here, because sometimes it is easier to do so than to explain everything face to face. Last night, I didn’t go to sleep until 4am. Why? Because I was working out. I had tried to do a run earlier but started feeling sick, sweating and every bone in my leg wouldn’t work. So, I walked for three hours straight with cardio moves included. All this on top of a run and four hours of other cardio I had done earlier in the day. Eight hours in total. Something I have been doing since Christmas.

This morning I woke up ill, dizzy, dragging my legs and in pain. The first thing I thought - Would I be able to exercise whilst ill? And then I snapped. I walked into my living room and told my mum I was going to ask my doctor today and the eating disorder team to admit me to a specialist hospital because I have had enough. I am sick of working out for eight hours a day. Sick of not allowing myself to eat enough. Sick of my clothes falling off. Sick of seeing every bone in the mirror.

When I walked into my doctor’s surgery, I had to go up the stairs and it took me so much longer than it ever had, left me feeling ill and out of breath. When I got in to see my doctor, she told me that I looked the worst I had ever been. She was disgusted with the treatment I have had at my ED department, as I now weigh just over six stone and continue to lose weight weekly. They have never addressed my exercising either.

I was asked to do tests that my body can’t do. I had to have my blood pressure tested with a child’s cuff because the others didn’t fit. I’m having to have an emergency ECG tomorrow and emergency blood tests too to assess my heart, which could be failing. She was shocked by how cold I am and she had to check that my chest was okay.

Instantly she told me that she would be getting me professional help. I am going to be admitted to a hospital for further inpatient treatment and I am not to exercise (something I find terrifying!). I am going to have to have energy drinks to provide me with more nutrients and I am to see her again on Monday for further tests. I am also not allowed to work.

Never in my life did I think I would be like this. Never did I see my life being so unhappy and never did I think I would be in this position. But as I write this, I know I am not well. I am cold. I am feeling sick a lot. I am in pain and just dragging my body. I am tired. I need to go to hospital. I need to do this. I need to not fear what people think of my body and just love me. I need to be me again.
So much has played a part in this. Looking after my grandad, my mum, witnessing my dad have two strokes in front of me. Feeling bad about being bigger than society deemed okay, when actually it was fine. Losing a job I loved and working with the people I love. Social media. University. School. Everything has played a part and my mind is the biggest thing with it all.

I have decided to write this because I want to let people know, as comments, thoughts and ideas get thrown around so much about people. Yet, you never know what a person is going through. I am going to find it incredibly hard to not workout right now. When I am better, I have been told I can start again but for 45 minutes to an hour, not eight hours a day and hopefully I will get there. I will be going to hospital and having tests that scare me.

I will be gaining the weight back I have lost, which I know people will have a say on, but honestly, I am so tired I don’t want to care. So, please just remember that unless you know what a person is going through or what their body is going through don’t comment on it. Don’t use the words fat or thin. Just say okay. That is them and let them be. Move on, smile and embrace life.

As my doctor said to me today, she simply wants me to start enjoying life again and not locking myself in a room working out all day and I want that too. I think it is something that we can all do. We should all do. Forget about shapes and sizes. Forget about people and what they look like. Let’s just start enjoying life again and accept it for what it is.

Starting with this – I LOVE YOU FOR YOU!

Joey X

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