Good Morning Lovelies, 

There are no words to describe how hard I find today. I lost one of my heroes. One of my best friends, five years ago. The day feels like it only happened yesterday, so to think of how much time has passed scares me. My dad will forever be with me, no matter where or what I do, but I wish he was really by my side right now. 

When someone passes, you often wonder when life will feel a bit more normal. But it never does. Every day, I wish I could speak to him. I long to feel one of his hard squeezy cuddles that would often end up with his glasses digging into your head and moaning for him to stop. Something I would never do now. 

My dad was someone who longed for an easy life, yet, he was always the person we would turn to in moments of trouble. He was the person that would often make me sit down and spill my soul to him. Whilst people would see us moaning at each other in a father and daughter way, what many didn’t see is the heartfelt times. 

The late night talks over buttered jammy toast. The bitchy conversations that we would have in the car about people in our family who were annoying us. The caring times when I would help clean him up when he had a few accidents after his stroke, which I cared for afterwards, having been the person he called upon after having his first one. The inside jokes that we had, which we could share with sneaky looks if we were out. The endless ABBA sessions that we had from a very young age. 

My dad would call me his princess and I will never forget the way he would say it. It is one of the memories of how I recall his voice sounding. I was his princess and my mum was his queen. When he was with us two, he would often tell us that he had no fears for when he passed because he knew no matter what, we would always be there for each other. 

Even when he was in hospital and very ill, in those final days, he told me that he loved me and that we would have a better relationship upon him coming home. Sadly he never did. Yet, his heart returned to us. When I go to his grave, even in the worst of weather, he makes the sun shine. He gives me and my mum little signs that things will work out. 

Over the years, I have used these messages to get through my hardest moments. I have used the hidden conversations and the future plans that he and my mum had to think about what we need and how we can implement them into our future. All of which led to my mum sharing how much she wants to live out her and my dad’s plans still. Something I will always be fully supportive of. 

Five years is already too long to have been without my dad. There have been tears shed as I wrote this post thinking of him. I think about him constantly and I think that comes down to the amount of times a week I hear people tell me that I am like him. Whether it be with my desire to live an easy life or the way that I look. His Italian blood that flows through me is seen in the dark hair, eyes and mediterranean features that he gave me. Features I am so proud to have. Blood I am proud to carry. 

Pops, if you are with me now, reading this over my shoulder, I want you to know that I love you so much. I always will. In your words, it is bullshit that you are not here with us all and utter bollocks that you can’t live out the dreams that you and mum have had for years. But I want you to know that I am now encouraging her to live them out. We will fulfil every wish that you had. I promise you. 

I haven’t had the tattoo yet that you said I couldn’t have until you passed away. I may do it one day. For now though, I have had many ear piercings that are getting me by, even though I know you wouldn’t approve of them. We haven’t brought hash browns since you passed away either but I want you to know a secret, they have onions in them, even though you hate them, and we kept it hidden so you wouldn’t moan. But I have told you now aha! 

Five years is too long to have not been with you Pops but I know you are here. I feel your love from the moment I wake up and in my dreams at night. I thank you so much for sharing it with me and for giving me your strength to keep going. I hope that I have made you proud in little ways and that I will forever continue to do so. 

Thank you for being my dad. Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for looking over me and mum. My love for you is eternal Papa T and when we meet again, I will let you hug me forever! I love you forever and always! To infinity and beyond! 

Joey X

P.S. If you are struggling with grief lovelies, please reach out to the Good Grief Trust, who are always around to listen and look after those suffering from bereavement. Run by those who have also suffered sad losses, the team know what you are going through and have even created a National Grief Awareness Week, running from the 2nd to 8th December, to help raise awareness. Never be afraid to reach out if you need to! We are all here for you!