Good Morning Lovelies, 

I am not sure if this post is going to make any sense but I wanted to be honest and to do that I think I may have to ramble a little bit. My brain with its many conditions goes one way or the other a lot of the time, so I am sorry in advance if this doesn’t make a lot of sense but I hope you will see a more open side to me from it. 

For a long time, probably the last seven years, I have been struggling with my mental health. A lot more than I have let on at times. As someone with an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, anxiety disorder, AuDHD, severe panic attacks, PTSD and OCD, I really struggle every single day. I am not saying it to get any pity, but I want to be honest with you all about what I face. 

One of the hardest things that I have to live with is knowing that it wasn’t always this way. As a teenager, I had no cares in the world. The only thing that I was concerned about was if my dad could take me to my friends' houses on the weekend. I didn’t care about what or how much I ate. I didn’t care about how much I was exercising. I didn’t care as much as I do now about what people thought of me or my body. I worried about upsetting others but not to the extent I do now. 

Having cared for my mum during her depression, my dad after his two strokes and my grandad, as well as a few other family members who were going through big life changes, my life took a massive turn at around the age of 18. I was so stressed out by university, work and my home situation that the only thing I could control was my eating and exercise. I would workout for hours. I went on holiday and didn’t leave the hotel because I had to stay in and get the steps and reps in. I was cold and miserable all the time. I wanted to die and that was my way of doing it. 

So, at the age of 25, I was admitted as an inpatient on an eating disorder ward in London. I went on the guidance of doctors and agreed to it. But in some ways I wish I hadn’t, as my time there is where I feel I became the most damaged. I saw some of the most triggering things. I witnessed people as the illness really took them over. I saw doctors and nurses at their worst. 

Two weeks into my time there, I remember hearing my mum arrive and running into the corridor shouting for her to take me home, all in front of the nurses. I told her all the horrors I was witnessing right in front of them and it was only then that something was done, as my consultant apologised to me for all I had witnessed. Yet, the damage was done. 

Leaving the hospital in the midst of a pandemic, I was back home with no support and no health guidance. My mum and dad were and are amazing at helping me, but I know it is tough on my mum sometimes when she sees me struggling. It also isn’t easy for her having to help me on her own now that my dad has passed away. 

Since his death, I have seen my body take a lot of hardships. Grief saw me lose a lot of weight. To the point I wasn’t able to put clothes on or go to the toilet on my own. I lost friends because they didn’t want to be associated with the sick girl. I had family members turn on me because they were jealous of the help I was getting. Help I never wanted and never asked for, as I didn’t want to be sick. I still don’t. 

Over the last seven years, I have really worked hard though to change and to get better. I have accepted that I can’t please everyone. The only one I want to please is my mum. I have overcome my fears of doctors and nurses in many ways, after being left with PTSD from my treatment from them in the hospital. I have thought tooth and nail for my health. 

This is why I have gone back into therapy. For a number of years, I have been speaking to a therapist online but it wasn’t fully helping. I needed to sit with someone, once a week, and really talk about things. I needed to not be in my home when doing it. I needed to be able to be completely and utterly honest about the love, loss and heart I have felt over the years. The betrayals from people who I thought were close to me. The absolute horrors I have witnessed. 

Asking for help again from my GP was a massive step. I was scared for weeks waiting for the appointment to come through. I didn’t want to go to the appointment and actually cancelled it the first time around. I felt like I was back at square one to begin with. I kept asking myself if I had really got better. If I was actually just a failure walking around. Something I was actually called once by a very close family member. 

Yet, as the weeks have gone on, I have come to learn that actually therapy is what I need. Therapy is going to make me stronger. It might not be a quick fix or the sorted in the click of a finger but it is vital I do it. I don’t want to be trapped in all the cycles I am in. I have come too far to become the person that the evil people I once knew state I am. 

I have always been honest and open about a lot of things. I have regrets. I have moments where I look back and know I was a right dick. I am in no way a perfect human being. I am an imperfect one and I appreciate being that. The way my past was has shaped me to be a better human being today. To be more open. To ask for help when I need it. To apologise when I know I have done wrong. 

Though, I won’t do so when I know I haven’t. I will not be shamed into taking on other people's mistakes as my own. They have to face their own wrongdoings and not project them onto me anymore because I will not take it. I will not be the person they think I am. I will not be accused of making my dad turn in his grave when I know for a fact that I am not and never have done.

Therapy for me is going to be something I really embrace this time around. It is going to be the thing I use to walk out of my house and not be scared of my own shadow. Of the people around me. I want to really begin to thrive again in my 30s and I think this will do me the world of good. I may need a lot of Off Campus rewatches to get me through it but I will put in the work. I will cry, laugh and feel what I need to to get to a better place. Just watch this space lovelies because I will show you all! I promise, you are about to get a lot better Joey! A 2.0 shall we say! 

Joey X