Good Morning Lovelies,

It may seem odd to say this but recently, for a split second, I forgot my dad wasn’t here anymore. Casually speaking to my mum, my head automatically wanted me to say, “you can ask dad,” which baffled me completely almost instantly after I thought it. Every day I am faced with the reality of him no longer being with us, which led to this moment really affecting me. 

Over the last six years since he has been gone, I have tried to deal with my grief as best as I can. When he left us, I went into sorting everything out mode, causing me to lose a lot of weight, on top of my eating disorder, which I couldn’t see as I just had to focus on making sure that my mum and family were okay. Then I went into angry mode. I couldn’t believe that one minute he was okay and the next he was no longer with us. 

This led to me entering the emotional stage. I cried a lot but kept it hidden from my mum. I didn’t want her to worry that I wasn’t dealing with it all and so I would cry in the shower. When on my own at night in my room. When I was by his grave asking him to keep shining down on us. All of this before entering the acceptance stage. 

Whilst I will never not want him to be here with me, I accepted that he wasn’t going to walk back into the room. Instead, I knew that he was with me in a more spiritual way. And I know he is because weird things happen in our house. He is a ghost who likes to move things, shall we say, which when we ask him to put it back they reappear. 

I never forget that he isn’t here with us. So, when my mind tricked me into thinking I could go and get him to answer a question for us I was shocked. It was like being kicked in the stomach. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet. It was like a second wave of grief because actually I couldn’t do that. However much I wanted to. 

My dad was a man who I adored in every way. I miss him like no tomorrow. My mum, him and I were the three musketeers and my dad would always tell us that he was happiest when he was at home with us. He would say that he knew that my mum was going to be okay because we had each other and often he would state that he was jealous of our strong relationship. Yet, he knew as well that he meant the world to me. 

From little conversations in the car to late night toast and jam eating competitions, we did a lot that my mum and family never saw. We spoke a lot about things people didn’t know about. We had so much trust and still to this day I know what he would be thinking about situations that have cropped up. 

The thought I had where I wanted to ask him a question made me not only feel grief but also a sense of odd relief. It was as if my brain was sending me a sign that in his own little way he is still with me. That I can talk to him and in some eerie and odd way he will reply to me. He will still guide me through life, even if it is only recalling the memories I have of him, because he never gave up on us. 

It is odd though when these moments occur. How do we forget in just a simple second that they aren’t here? How do we get past it? What does it mean? Right now, I am taking it as a sign of my undying love for my dad. The need I have for him to be back here with us. The little bit of grief that will always stay with me. 

If you have had a moment like this recently, I want to say that it will be okay. Maybe ask that question and see if anything happens. Cry if you have to when you realise they won’t reply. Think about it and let it go. However you decide to deal with it know that it is okay. That little bit of forgetfulness is just our heads reminding us that we love them and they never leave us. 

Pops, my question I was going to ask you was if you remember us all standing outside The Goat on that hot sunny day and you telling a family member to go away and leave mum alone. Do you? If so, make the sun shine a little bit brighter for me! 

Joey X