January is a time of the year when you see a constant stream of fitness posts and news stories. Of course, it is important to stay healthy, but please don’t do anything to hurt yourself in attempts to do so. When I was 18, I decided that I was going to have one big massive Christmas and then I was going to get fit. 

I started exercising, around 30 minutes a day, and eating healthier. With the promise that I would still have my weekly Saturday night takeaway. Yet, when hearing the praise from others, seeing the changes myself and then facing a lot of challenging family matters, which added a lot of pressure, my mind took hold of this and changed it. Instead of working out in a healthy way, I became addicted and wouldn’t stop. I was having to meet a target of around 70,000+ steps a day to feel like I had done enough. 

Then the meals started to become regimented, with nothing unhealthy on the plate. My anorexia began and I have faced hell ever since. I am scared to eat a lot of food. I am not allowed to work out, which my mind uses against me, as it makes me feel lazy and unworthy of the food I eat. It is a never ending blame game with my illness. Amplified with the anxiety disorder I was diagnosed with back in school.

So, when I see the adverts and stories, it makes me feel shit to be honest. I feel utter shit. My illness wants me to be working out at the gym, even when it wouldn’t probably cause my heart to stop. I don’t want to eat the nice foods that I have challenged myself to enjoy again. Even though I really do. It all becomes very hard until the colder months come around again and it seems like it is a free for all. 

However, those colder months, Christmas or the words of others don’t mean nothing. Not everyone who decides to get healthier will end up like me. I know this. Yet, it can be a worry. Therefore, it is important to remember that no matter what anyone says or writes. Whatever anyone tells you to do. You have to be true to yourself and if you love yourself and are happy, why change? 

I am currently going through a lot of self-hatred in regards to my body. Every day, I try to avoid the mirror, because I will end up picking apart something that I see. I want to go back in time and be happy again with it. Hopefully one day I will get there. For now though, I am taking the slow and steady race to those days. I am proud of the changes I am making. The ones making me happy. The most important element in life. 

If you are happy, healthy in mind and soul, then stay as you are. Enjoy what you do. Eat what you like. Exercise or not. Just be happy. That is the real reason for life. One we should all remember instead of the words on pages or spoken by others. I am going to learn to accept this, hopefully more and more this year. For now though, I wish you all a beautiful 2023 full of love and kindness. 

Joey X