Good Morning Lovelies, 

On the 27th July, I made a big decision. I went to my doctor and asked for help. My anxiety had stretched to new heights. I couldn’t stand the idea of going out. I didn’t want to get up and out of bed. I simply wanted to hide away in my home. All of which I knew was not the real me. 

Even when I had been at my lowest in the past, I never stopped going out. In fact, I would go on long long walks in an effort to not be at home. Yet, this time around all I wanted to do was stay at home, in my bed, where I felt safe that I wouldn’t fall over, be sick or panic. Well, until I did start panicking. 

Having one of the worst experiences of my life, leading to the ambulance coming out, on the Saturday previous to seeing the doctor, I realised my panic attacks were getting out of control. I wasn’t living anymore. I was cowering away in fear of life and I didn’t like it. So, after a big chat with my mum, who is my full time carer, I decided to help us both. I would go to the doctor and ask for help. 

I won’t lie, I was terrified to go in and request it. I thought that maybe they would see it as another thing to add to the long list of illnesses I have. Yet, I could not have got a better response. They listened to everything I had to say. They smiled and showed me care. They were gentle with their questioning. They didn’t try to say my condition was something that it wasn’t and they wanted to help me right away. 

Referring me to a counselling service, which would be at my GP surgery, they told me every step of the process to getting talking therapy. They wanted me to know that this was a safe place and anything and everything could be discussed in a confidential manner. When I told them some of the reasons why I think I had become the way I was, they told me openly that I was suffering from PTSD from the actions of others within my family, anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Whilst also bearing an eating disorder, autism, ADHD and panic disorder on top of that. 

Essentially I was a bomb waiting to explode at any time and now it was happening. And I won’t lie, I was terrified by it. I don’t want to be the person who is a shell of themselves because of others words or actions. I don’t want to be scared to go to the doctors in case they tell me something terrible. 

I don’t want to step outside my front door or put my feet on the floor when I get out of bed and think that I am not well instantly. I want to be able to breathe with ease. I want to be able to thrive. I want to forget about the idiots in my past, who I no longer want to have an affect on me. I want to be happy. I want to thrive. I want to be able to get on with my life the best way I can without adding extra pressure on my mum. 

I have come a long way from who I was a few years ago, even when others try to bring me down. I have taken some big steps which have scared me a lot. All of which proving that I can take this next step and grow to be a happier and healthier version of myself. As I walked out of the appointment, I could already feel a weight had been lifted off me. I felt lighter. Like I could breathe a little easier. 

As I await to see how the sessions will help me, I am confident that this time around I will listen and take on board what the therapist says. I will work with them to be a more outgoing person, who makes friends and finds new things to enjoy. Stepping out of the doctors that day, I could already feel this confidence coming back a little, as I determinedly decided that I would walk home from it. I was scared stiff the entire time, yet I put on motivational music, cried on the journey when I needed to and got there. 

I have always believed that slow and steady wins the race lovelies. This is just another lap in my journey. I wanted to write this post to say that never be afraid to ask for help. Even if you have had it before. If you have the right team behind you then they will want to guide you onto a better path. And if you don’t, then that is a sign to make a change and find the right people to help you. We can do this lovelies! We just need to take one step at a time! 

Joey X